autonomy competence relatedness

Raise great kids by meeting their three core needs

the big idea: Self-Determination theory

As parents, we have one job....

It's to spend about two decades raising up some human beings so that, as adults, they feel able to steer their lives (that's autonomy), are confident in their ability to handle whatever comes their way (that's competence), and are closely connected to people who love and support them (that's relatedness).

Developed by psychologists Dr. Richard Ryan and Dr. Edward Deci, self-determination theory explains how our social conditions—especially our families of origin but also our schools, workplaces and other communities—support (or thwart) our flourishing. It all depends on how well (or poorly) our needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness are met.

With these needs met, our kids will ...

feel that they are capable and resourceful (rather than overwhelmed by life)
be internally motivated to pursue their interests (rather than lack enthusiasm or drive)
pursue learning and do better in school (rather than tune out or obsess over grades)
feel that we love and support them (rather than coerce or control them)
be generally agreeable and good-natured with us (rather than oppositional or defiant)
feel confident in who they are (rather than seek approval or esteem from others)
feel interested in and engaged by life (rather than indifferent and apathetic)
be curious, creative, compassionate people (rather than detached and judgmental)
believe in their ability to chart their lives (rather than feel adrift and insignificant)

We want all these things—and more—for our children. But do we, as parents, understand how critical autonomy, competence and relatedness are for their development? And do we know how best to provide a "needs-satisfying" home life? How to talk to them, interact with them, and guide them?

That's where Five Pages Parenting comes in. Welcome to a practical resource that will bring your family greater strength and joy. The First Five Pages is a good place to start.

Five pages at a time

Sometimes it feels like we need an advanced degree in parentology to change the direction of our children's lives. Not so!

I think you will find that five pages at a time is all you need to understand and implement the big ideas that have a big impact on our kids.

I have spent most of my career breaking down complicated concepts and data into clear, readable, actionable content. Here, I offer the best research on how to meet our children's core needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness. That's how we best support their flourishing, today and in the future.

You will find topics and practices organized under the Big Idea of those three psychological needs, with lots of clarity about how to put this knowledge to use.

You can transform your children and your family—five pages at a time.

why five pages?

Big ideas in small packages

Five Pages Parenting is a resource you can dip in and out of to make positive, incremental changes in your family. Based on research around our core needs for autonomy, competence and relatedness, this site is packed with life-changing topics and approaches broken down into achievable, bite-size portions.

Five-page portions, to be exact. Not because parenting is simple or easy, but because evidence-based best practices shouldn't be hard to understand or implement. How long does it take you to read five pages? That's the time investment per topic.

Start with the First Five Pages post and then go anywhere you like. Dig in ... five pages at a time. Develop new understanding. Make small changes and repeat, daily. Come back often.

the five pages promise

Hey, here's a radical idea....

We live in an age of monetizing everything. Everyone wants our email address. Ads pop up everywhere we look. Subscription services are taking over our lives.

Five Pages Parenting WILL NOT

ask for your contact information in order to access content
ask for payment for anything
have ads or links on this site trying to sell you something
ask for likes, smashes, shares, and all the rest of that stuff

You know how "experts" tell you they can change your life so long as you SUBSCRIBE, PAY, JOIN, SHARE, and GIVE UP your privacy? Not here. This is a place to read. To check out some evidence-based parenting ideas and practices. To reflect. To have a bit of peace in an age of noisy, rampant consumerism. To take care of your family and help your kids reach their potential.

autonomy competence relatedness

Raise great kids by meeting their three core needs

the big idea: Self-Determination theory

As parents, we have one job....

Five pages at a time

AUTONOMY

RELATEDNESS

COMPETENCE

COMPETENCE

RELATEDNESS

COMPETENCE

RELATEDNESS

RELATEDNESS

RELATEDNESS

why five pages?

Big ideas in small packages

the five pages promise

Hey, here's a radical idea....